1 Trillion Lions vs The Sun
Updated: Jun 12, 2020
This originally appeared as a Quora answer, and was one of my most successful, but was collapsed. (Classic Quora.) I don't think the world should be deprived of this felines vs celestial body match-up, though.
Trillion Lions vs Sun
I’ve been writing answers to some pretty silly hypotheticals so it’s good to get one that’s a bit more realistic finally.
Now, one on one, it’s no contest. The Sun is at least five times larger than even the biggest male lion (check my math – it’s true). But the lions have a definite numbers advantage that could prove crucial.
So, let’s take a closer look at our competitors.
In the Blue Corner, we have 3 Trillion Lions:
Here's one lion; I couldn't find a picture of 3 trillion together. He's majestic as f**k though.
I’m going to list a few of the lions’ pros and cons in a nice bullet point format:
Used to bringing down large prey
Frequently fight for territory/mating rights
Cool ass mane
3 trillion of them
Not used to fighting in space
Will all need a custom space suit – logistical nightmare
Fighting The Sun
And in the Red Corner, we have our regular old Sun:
Come at me bro...
Experienced (4.6 Billion years old)
No neck for lions to grab hold of
Is The Sun
Never fought a lion before
As you can see, it’s an intriguing battle. The lions are adept killers, frequently taking down buffalo and even occasionally giraffes or hippos. The Sun, however, is slightly larger than their usual prey and doesn’t have many obvious weaknesses.
If the fight takes place on The Sun’s home turf (ie, outer space) the lions also have a problem – they will not be as agile or threatening in their space suits. The alternative, though, leads to the destruction of earth (and by extension the human race), so let’s say the lions are the away team.
The obvious scenario is that the lions will try and overwhelm The Sun, going for its vulnerable spots while it’s preoccupied. The downside to this plan is that the lions are made up of flesh and bone, which is not conducive to being anywhere near what is literally a flaming ball of plasma and gas.
The Lions’ self-appointed leader kisses his family goodbye, then has a moment of quiet introspection after watching 300 for motivation.
"Our paws will blot out the sun" – Lionidas
"I’m the f***ing Sun, dude. You don’t have enough paws" – The Sun
Ding ding – the bell goes for Round 1
The combatants stare each other down, sizing up their opponents’ weaknesses. They exchange blows (well, The Sun kind of just stands there). The lions’ ridiculously strong plot armour seems to be protecting them from the heat.
Really, this would be an easy fight for the lions against literally anything else. They’ve been unlucky to come up against a tough opponent. They realise the futility of the situation and await death.
The lions are retroactively burned alive as the author acknowledges a tiny amount of realism.
All but one, that is.
Lionidas, king of the lions, will not be broken (nor barbecued, apparently). He beats an honourable retreat, to be reunited with his family, and to plot his revenge.
Let’s sit under a tree. Can’t get me in the shade, biatch!
Round 1 goes to The Sun. Round 2? Who knows? (Everyone. Everyone knows.)